Snowman
Snowmen are an abomination unto God as they were originally created by bears during the First Ice Age. Most people overlook them since they don't speak American; even if they did speak they would probably tell boring stories about snow. According with the CIA the snowmen have plans to help the bears on taking over America. It is believed that they have plans to kidnap all of our children and turn them gay so they can gay-marry each other and convert America into their new gaysrael. Snowmen will only approach and talk to defenseless kids, because they are easy to brainwash and manipulate; plus their harmless appearance makes them easy to befriend our poor children! However, snowmen can only come to life if they are wearing Satan's top hat, not to be confused with Slash's Top Hat which is cool unlike a snowman's top hat. Most snowmen are located in Canada where they are receiving aid and comfort from liberal un-american bearrorists. However, some of them have already infiltrated within the US and formed sleeping cells awaiting new orders to retake America. The CIA believes that they are awaiting orders from their master polar bears to start the Bear uprising of 2012. IF this is true then Canada and the Canadian Government have forged a secret alliance with the bears to bring down America! Some believe that the snowmen have closer ties with the polar bears, because they have the same color of the skin (which means snowmen are racist too!) It should be noted that the snowmen have a secret military base in the North Pole, possibly near Santa's workshop. IF this is true, then we believe that the red communist bear-loving Chavez Claus is not only funding the bear army, but also building WMDs for the polar bears. How to Defend Yourself Against Snowmen * Use heat vision (if heat vision not available, use hair drier). * Shoot their head off (but beware that they can reform it back from snow, so make sure that you melt all the snow within vicinity.) * Move to warmer areas. Won't Global Warming Take Care of the Snowman Army? Global Warming is a liberal myth and you know it! Think about it! If global warming was real, then there would be no reason to fund an army to combat the polar bears and the snowmen army. That's what they want you to think! Understand? Global Warming is a liberal myth and hippie bear-loving propaganda that warps the mind from truthiness and weakens our resolve against The War on Terra. If it wasn't for the penguin army stationed in Alaska and the North Pole, America would have fallen at the hands of the snowmen army a long time ago. So stop your nonsense that Global Warming will fix everything! Or that Global Warming will destroy America!... you should know better... Plus Global Warming The War on Terra is helping us liberate the glaciers and establish a democracy in the North Pole... but it wont melt stop the snowmen army. The Four Snowmen of the Apocalypse The champions of the snowmen army. It is believed that they will lead the snowmen and the polar bears into the beginning of the Icemaggedon that will unleash and bring a new Ice Age that will turn America into the New North Pole. The New North Pole will be the seat of their new Ice Kingdom and rule America for a thousand years!! Snowzilla: King of Snowmen Snowzilla is an abominable snowman-monster in the state of Alaska, he first appeared in the city of Anchorage, where he was given birth. According with local legend he is the bastard child of science and Mother Nature. One night Mother Nature got too drunk and had one night stand with a labcoat Larry, nine months later she gave birth to this abomination. Mother Nature decided to keep the child, like any good un-american should, but maybe we should have let this one slip. In any case, in her diabolical madness Mother Nature decided to use Snowzilla to bring a new Ice Age into America by terraforming the US into new ice polar caps to replace the ones they lost during The War on Terra. IF the Polar Bears couldn't keep their ice kingdom, then they would bring their polar caps into America!http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/12/18/mayors.pork/index.html?section=cnn_latest "We are liberating the polar caps you bluffy godless-killing-machine bastards! We are bringing democracy to the North Pole!!." Rumor has it that Snowzilla will lead the polar bear army to take over the US, probably to establish their Ice Kingdom; some even say that Snowzilla will personally lead the bear army during the Bear Uprising of 2012. But we suspect the polar bears have a different agenda or that they will start the uprising earlier than expected. Mother Nature has already brought an Ice Age in Las Vegashttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/12/17/las-vegas-snow-strip-cove_n_151951.html, New Orleanshttp://www.nola.com/news/index.ssf/2008/12/the_new_orleans_area_is.html, and California, and She has already started to cover most parts of the eastern coast. Real Americans get ready for the Icemaggedon! Snowzilla and the polar bear army wont stop until all of the US falls under the dominion of the polar caps! The Ice Kingdom is coming and Snowzilla will be the new king! The Alaskan National Army tried to fend off Snowzilla, but it was proven too powerful, not even The Greatest President Ever's policy to liberate the Polar Caps were working against this abomination of nature. Alaska lost 10,000 soldiers that day, a dark day for America. Meanwhile the police tried to maintain civil order, but the destruction toward the city of Anchorage was proven too much. The Greatest Maverickness Ever of Alaska decided she had enough, so she lead the penguin army to retake the city. It was a battle of Titans, and Sarah Palin held her ground, The Maverickness used all of the weapons in the US army at her disposal, but Snowzilla did not fall... if only she had the powers of the Vice-Presidency she could have easily shot that abomination on his face. Ted Stevens also wanted to contribute to the fight against Snowzilla but the liberals told him he was not a senator anymore so he was force to spend some time with his family. So instead The Maverickness dispatched one of the most terrifying force within the government... bureaucrats!!! (they were promised free office supplies for a year if they helped to stop Snowzilla; their vice was their undoing). While many consider this move radical and desperate, many agree that their boring red-tape factinism melted Snowzilla to boredom... He melted into a puddle... and everything was right with the world... for a few days America was safe and the city was being rebuild. The polar bears retreated back to was left of the polar caps, and the Ice Storm receded from America's land... *Update: SNOWZILLA IS BACK!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS! The Icemaggedon is still on its way!!!!! AAAAAAHHHH A SNOW STORM THUNDERSNOW!!! Series of Tubes about Snowzilla *City code officer slays Snowzilla *Revenge of Snowzilla